The days are flying, and I can’t get enough of silly little Sam. He does the funniest things these days…stands at the front door with palms pressed against the glass saying “Hi, Bye, Hi, Bye, Hi, Bye,…”; crawling around like a crazy man in the bathtub splashing and yelling out of joy; putting all his food in a tupperware and then taking it all out; refuses to leave Y-play (the gym childcare) because he is having so much fun with the big kids; says “thank you” when he hands me his paci and sippy cup because I had always said “thank you” because he handed it to me rather than throwing it on the floor; rolls around in the dog beds; laughs at Huey biting at his toy cars; moves his hand back and forth over his mouth while making noise to hear it get loud and quiet in the backseat of the car; climbs stairs like nobodies business; puts his hand on his head whenever I sing “head, shoulders, knees, and toes”; and so much more. And the latest was this morning come to find him in his crib with all his pacifiers lined up on the bed rail. Usually they are all thrown on the floor, but it looks like his OCD is taking on new forms. It was absolutely hilarious!
“What this? It is just my little collection in order from favorite to least favorite.”
So proud!
But oops…eyes half closed because of the flash, he comes by it honestly as my eyes are always closed in pics
I have been really anxious lately about not being here for all these moments, a fear of dying. I am not necessarily afraid to die because I know to die is to be with Christ, but as I get to know Sam more and more my fear is in dying and not being here to be his mommy. I know he would be loved and taken care of but he wouldn’t be loved by me the way I want him to be loved. I want to love him well and be there to cheer him on in whoever God has made him to be. I am the only one that knows how he likes his toast (with butter and a pinch of salt) or that after naps he likes his sippy cup and a snack, but not too big of a snack or he won’t eat his dinner. I know our nightly routine. I know his favorite books. I know how he likes his sippy cup of milk. I know his favorite foods. I know all our little inside things, like how I give him the lid of my starbucks chai to lick after I am finished with my drink and how he likes to hold rocks while he is in the jogging stroller on a long run.
And yes, if Zach and I both died there would be a period of adjustment and then he would adjust to a new normal; but I don’t want there to be a new normal. And at this stage I recognize that he wouldn’t even remember us, and that makes me sad because we love him more than we have loved anything else on earth. I think I also know that there are very few people who know me well enough to keep me alive to Sam in all his growing up, and I would want him to know me; even if it came through someone else reminding him of his mommy. Then, I remind myself how that isn’t the whole story though and as I read in Matthew today all things will be known one day. And in heaven, we will all see clearly all things.
Even as I read back through this I see how this is earthly focused and self focused. I by no means think that we have the best and only way figured out, it is more that I love him so much that I want to have the opportunity to selflessly love him and point him to Christ. I want to be strong for him, but also be honest with him and humble and show him all the ways I mess up and all the ways God has been so good and faithful and patient and kind and gentle with me. I want to give away my life in service and love for him in hopes that he would grow up to know the Lord and know love and truth and hope and gentleness and patience and compassion and mercy and joy and…I want to be around and be there for every second of it! There is nothing I want more here on earth than to know and treasure Christ and love and point Sam to Him.
Zach is quick to remind me that if something did happen to both of us that God is sovereign and is good. God knows what is best for Samuel, and He will take care of him better than I ever could. I think this all comes up because last time we flew we were all on the plane together to Montana; this time it will just be me and Zach going to Chicago and Sam will stay home with grandparents. I think that is why it is so much on my mind. That and the crazy dreams/nightmares I have been having. And then, I came across this (which really has given me the greatest peace) -
“If God has work for me to do, I cannot die.” Henry Martyn. And if he doesn’t, why would I want to live?
So, so very true. If I have done all that God has me to do here and now; then it is futile to be here and how I long to be with Christ. All that to say, this is a sweet stage with Sam and now when I look at him I no longer see a baby. He is a little boy, and I love it. Today he sat on his own chair and ate his snack and watched Veggie Tales after his nap. Such a big boy!
Love that baby, like daddy like son